"wait…you have a brother? how come you never talk about him?" are common questions that most people ask me. yes, i have an older brother and i’m super happy he’s coming to rutgers this fall :) i always feel as if i’ve been underestimating his abilites as a student, son, and sibling. we’ve shared a very humdrum relationship- nothing more than a mere "hey" or "can you open the door?" conversations that probably lasted for no longer than 5 minutes everyday. i always blamed his break from school as the reason for the polarization and tension within my family- he was always the one that caused an enormous strain between my parents. or so i thought. ultimately, all of them stopped attending church.
i’ve always envied my roommate’s relationship with her sister- how she can easily confide in christina. they bicker and make up so easily, share clothes and stories about life, share tears of anger and quickly, those tears transition into tears of laughter. i can’t remember the last time i cried for my brother (whether it be out of spite or joy)- my feelings for him turned into indifference. the last “brotalk” we had was when i falsely accused him of smoking pot in his room. when i was younger, i tried everything to be just like him- everything from playing wiffle ball to dressing like a dude and even choosing to spend my weekly allowance on slurpees and hot-wheels instead of barbie dolls and nylon hair ties (like most normal girls). gradually as we both got older, i wanted to be nothing like him. academics took over my life and our ambitions became polar opposites. this mindset has been haunting me for years and i finally realized the amount of insensibility implanted in my selfish heart.
my brother is a good guy. i’m praying for patience and forgiveness- forgive him for being so absent and forgive me for showing zero humility and clear my head of this selfishness. i’m already imagining our meals together (planning to get him FATTTTTTT with dining hall food), studying our batooties off in the alcohol building (aka secret study spot- no longer a secret since i just blurted that out), showing the noob around campus with the lovely bus systems, and hopefully bringing him back to church (ironically, he brought me to church 6 years ago and stopped going after college). i think God reminded me that it’s never too late to pick up where we left off.